Advertise here?
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why did you eat him?"
----
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. He putt- putted down one hill and putt-putted up the next. By the time he arrive home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!. She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!. It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other let and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.
When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, Surprise!
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
----
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers,
"That's easy, we'll
catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and
says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman
angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one
ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can
come up with? Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize
him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The blonde
looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact
lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know
himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait
here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He
leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and
comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE!
The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make
such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses because he only has one eye and one ear." ----
A young blonde woman goes for to an office for a job interview . The interviewer decides
to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?" The blonde
counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehhhh .. 23!".
The interviewer tries another straight forward one to break the ice. "And can you tell
us your height, please?" The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape
from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top
of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!" This
isn`t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for
our records, your name please?" The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about
twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity,
miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the
measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you
your name?" "Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through `Happy
birthday to you, happy birthday to you...." ---- A California highway patrolman
pulled alongside a speeding car on the crowded freeway. Glancing at the car, the officer
was astounded to see that the young blonde woman behind the wheel was
knitting. Conceding that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO,"
the blonde woman yelled back. "IT'S A SCARF!" ---- A blonde bought two
horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that she
cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a
bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our blonde
friend was stuck again. The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one
horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire
fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested she
measure the horses for height. When she did, she was very pleased to find that the
white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
---- The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was
somewhat taken back by this recent incident. Returning home from work, a blonde
was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at
once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels
and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. The K-9 officer approached the
house with his dog on a tight leash. The woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at
the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and
moaned.... "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help,
and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!" ---- Four men rode in
a car, a mechnical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer
engineer. The car stalled out. The mechnical engineer said it must be the pistons, let's
repair them and we'll be okay. The electrical engineer said it has to be the spark plugs,
we'll replace them and be ready to roll. The chemical engineer said it's got to be bad
gas, we'll flush the system and be on our way. They turned to the computer engineer.
What do you think we should do? Let's get out of the car and get back in. ----
50 degrees -- New Yorkers turn on the heat. People in Buffalo plant gardens. 40
degrees -- Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Buffalo sunbathe. 35 degrees
-- Italian cars won't start. People in Buffalo drive with the windows down. 32 degrees
-- Distilled water freezes. Buffalo water gets thicker. 20 degrees -- Floridians wear
coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Buffalo throw on a T-shirt. 15 degrees --
Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Buffalo go swimming. Zero degrees
-- New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Buffalo have the last cookout
before it gets cold. 10 degrees below zero -- People in Miami cease to exist. People in
Buffalo lick flagpoles. 20 degrees below zero -- Californians fly away to Mexico.
People in Buffalo throw on a light jacket. 40 degrees below zero -- Hollywood
disintegrates. People in Buffalo rent videos. 60 degrees below zero -- Mt. St. Helens
freezes. Buffalo Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door. 80 degrees below zero
-- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Buffalo Boy Scouts postpone "Winter
Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. 100 degrees below zero -- Santa Claus
abandons the North Pole. People in Buffalo pull down their ear flaps. 173 degrees
below zero -- Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Buffalo get frustrated when they can't thaw
their kegs. 297 degrees below zero -- Microbial life start to disappear. Buffalo cows
complain of farmers with cold hands. 460 degrees below zero -- ALL atomic motion
stops. People in Buffalo start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?" 500 degrees below zero --
Hell freezes over. Buffalo wins the Stanley Cup. ---- A cowboy rode into town
and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of
picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen. He
comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head
without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled
with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "I'm gonna have another beer and
if my horse ain't back outside by the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in
Texas and I don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!" Some of the locals
shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He
saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar
and asked, "Say partner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said,
"I had to walk home!" ---- Messed Up Stick-
Ups Florida: Wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, a thief burst into the
bank one day. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-
STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers
started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life,
because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the
thief got him. The would-be thief ran away and is still at large. Tennessee: A man
successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera. While it was
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank,
so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the camera.) Louisiana: A man
walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk
opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the
register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer?
Fifteen dollars. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime
committed? Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder
block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.
Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on
videotape. New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to
give the police a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The
thief was then taken out of the car and told, "Stand there for a positive ID." To this
instruction the man replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse
from." Washington: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he had bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police
spokesperson said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose
into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had. New Jersey: A Newark
woman reporting her car as stolen mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The
policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had
read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the
thief was arrested. Michigan: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a
man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 7:50 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Kentucky: Two
men tried to pull the front off an ATM by running a chain from the machine to the bumper
of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they
pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home--. with the
chain still attached to the machine-- with their bumper still attached to the chain-- with
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
